10 of the Best Not-So-Super Superheroes

DC just unleashed the latest “Superman” on the world, and Marvel’s up next, with Friday’s release of “Fantastic Four: First Steps.”

But not all superheroes are created equal.  In fact, some of them kind of suck.  But not necessarily in a bad way.  Here are 10 of the best not-so-super superheroes:

1.  “The Toxic Avenger” (1984)

The years-delayed remake starring Peter Dinklage and Kevin Bacon is finally hitting theaters at the end of the summer, but let’s not forget the movie that still fuels the demented engine of Troma Films, and almost-kinda-sorta made New Jersey cool.

Melvin the Mop Boy is pranked by the patrons at the health club where he works, causing him to fall into a vat of toxic waste, which transforms him into “a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength.”

This hideously deformed creature is driven to not only fight crime, but to literally tear it limb-from-limb in such graphic and gory fashion that even he starts to wonder if he’s not such a nice guy.  Don’t worry, his doubt doesn’t last.  Nor does the evil in Toxie’s beloved Tromaville.

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2.  “Super” (2010)

Before he became a Hollywood darling, “Superman” and “Guardians of the Galaxy” director James Gunn got his start at the aforementioned Troma Films.  As such, his pre-Marvel and DC output was pretty weird, and often wonderful.

In “Super,” Rainn Wilson is brilliant as Frank Darbo, a depressed and possibly schizophrenic short order cook who decides to rescue his wife when she falls back into addiction, and back in with a gang of drug dealers led by a sleazy Kevin Bacon.  (Yes, second mention of Kevin Bacon so far, but sadly, probably the last.)

To achieve his goals, Frank becomes a “superhero” called The Crimson Bolt, with the equally delusional Elliot Page as his female sidekick Boltie.  But Frank is no superhero, nor does he become one in the end.  He does more or less save the day, but ultimately, he’s just as pathetic as ever.

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3.  “Chronicle” (2012)

What if three high school kids suddenly got super powers?  Would they become champions of the people and spend the rest of their lives fighting for truth, justice, and the American way.  Hell no.  They’d screw around until things went sideways and people started getting hurt.

That’s what happens in the brilliant “Chronicle,” which employs the found footage conceit better than most horror movies, and features a still-gestating Michael B. Jordan as one of the super teens.

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4.  “Batman” (1966)

It actually took people a while to realize that the ’60s TV Batman wasn’t bad, it was a brilliant, before-its-time superhero parody, and it might be even more relevant in this age of Marvel and DC overkill.  Made during the original run of the TV series, the movie was just as good or better.

Adam West’s Batman was so decent and square, he was the cool one (a concept James Gunn co-opted for the new “Superman”).  And the fact that he would just happen to carry “Shark Repellent Bat-Spray” in case an obviously rubber shark might latch onto his leg?  Why not?

(And the “Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb” scene?  Chef’s kiss.  In my opinion one of the great comedy routines of all time.)

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5.  “Mystery Men” (1999)

This one should have been a hit.  A stellar cast, including Ben Stiller, William H. Macy, Hank Azaria, Janeane Garofolo, and Geoffrey Rush . . . not to mention Paul “Pee Wee Herman” Reubens as the Spleen, whose weapon is flatulence so foul it debilitates anyone downwind of him.

In the end, our heroes overcome the evil Casanova Frankenstein, as well as the fact that they’re not very good superheroes, with a GROUP HUG.  Or, as Macy’s The Shoveller puts it:  “We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.”

This movie needs a sequel, stat.

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6.  “Brightburn” (2019)

Is this a superhero movie or a horror flick?  Any attempt to answer that question would give too much away.  It’s basically the Superman origin story, but with a twist:  Alien baby’s space capsule crash lands in the Midwest, and baby is adopted by farmers.

But was he sent here to do good or evil?  Any similarities to the new “Superman” movie are most likely not coincidental, since “Brightburn” was produced by James Gunn, and written by his brothers Brian and Mark.

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7.  “Kung Fury” (2015)

Even though it’s only 31 minutes long, this is one of the greatest superhero movies ever made.  An homage to everything ’80s, from Miami-cool to buddy cop movies, martial arts flicks, VHS, and even the Nintendo Power Glove, and beyond.

“Kung Fury” is a cop who was supercharged by being struck by lightning AND bitten by a cobra at the same time.  He travels through time to defeat no less than Adolf Hitler, with the aid of his partner Triceracop, his retro tech wiz ally Hackerman, some sexy female Viking warriors, and an actual T-rex.

(Bonus:  You can watch the whole thing on YouTube.  Oh, and did I mention the David Hasselhoff cameo?)

FYI, a sequel featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger as the president was made a few years ago, but remains criminally unreleased.

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8.  “Italian Spiderman” (2007)

A series of short films meant to parody not only superheroes, but Eurotrash cinema of the ’70s and early ’80s, Italian Spiderman isn’t even Italian.  It was made by an Australian collective and starred “Franco Franchetti” (not his real name) in the title role.

He’s out of shape, he has a creepy pornstache, and he probably smokes too much . . . but he’s just as amazing as his American cousin, although for vastly different reasons.

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9.  “The Machine Girl” (2008)

If you asked me to name the 100 weirdest movies I’ve ever seen, it’s a strong bet that at least 75 of them would be Asian.  And “Machine Girl” would probably make the list.

Ami Hyūga is an orphaned schoolgirl (Because Japan, obvi) whose arm is cut off by the yakuza.  So she does what any orphaned schoolgirl would do: She slaps a machine gun on her stump and starts wasting bad guys who come at her with chainsaws, flying guillotines, and the dreaded drill bra. (Trailer)

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10.  “Batpussy”

To paraphrase cult movie god Bruce Campbell, this movie wasn’t released, it escaped.  And we are all the worse for it.  This porn flick was discovered in the storeroom of an adult movie theater in Memphis in the mid-1990s

Nobody knows who made it or when, but best guesses say late ’60s or early ’70s.  There’s also no indication who the “actors” are, but boy, must we use that term loosely.

The “film” starts with a highly unappealing couple having highly unerotic sex, while insulting each other the entire time.  Soon Batpussy arrives via hippity-hop… I’m not joking… and we have what’s got to be the most sack-deflating threesome ever committed to film.

This could easily be the worst porn flick ever made, the worst superhero movie ever made, and even the worst movie ever made.  I’d also bet my mortgage that in the 30 years since it was uncovered, no one has ever masturbated to it.  And anyone who has needs to be on some kind of watch list. 

But if your mission is to seek out the worst that film has to offer, that mission can never be complete until you’ve watched Batpussy at least once.

(Here’s the safe-for-work four-plus-minute hippity hop scene.  It includes a pee break and a little crimefightin’ on the side.)