The Wienie 500 Was Loaded with D*ck Puns

The wiener jokes were coming fast and fierce at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway on Friday, May 23rd. Everything else went fairly slow.

Oscar Mayer’s fleet of Wienermobiles competed (we’re being generous there) in the inaugural Wienie 500–at one point clocking in at a blistering 28 mph! They can supposedly do 60.

(Fun fact: Cows have a top sprint speed of 25 mph… pigs, 11 mph… chickens, 9 mph. Not-so-fun fact: Oscar Mayer Wieners are an amalgam of all three.)

Anyone else feel like this sucker was rigged?!? Or am I just upset I bet my life savings on Chi Dog? Small price to pay for wiener-centric commentary like this. 😗🤌

“When you’re talking about wieners that big, the draft is just so powerful at those speeds.”

“The last thing anybody needs through there is a slippery wiener.”

“Less than a wiener-length was the difference!”

Shout out to “Granny Smith,” the sweet old lady who nailed her “wieners, start your engines” line. That chick knows a solid wienie when she sees one. 🌭

Check out the full race on YouTube: