The Seasons Are All Wrong – Here Are the New Dates

Hello from Smalltown, USA. It’s mid-September and a lot of leaves have fallen in my yard… but it’s still “summer.” Right.

Here’s another fun one: In mid-December, I’ll be listening to Bing Crosby and sipping hot cocoa in front of my Christmas tree… but it’ll still be “fall.” Riiight.

So since the entire world is already on fire, I propose changing the seasons. It’s time to do away with the solstice and the equinox!

If you’re blessed to live somewhere like Santa Barbara and it’s 70 degrees year round… these words are not for you. Go thank your sky daddy that you live in a land without seasons.

But for the rest of us, simple common sense should prevail. Without further adieu, here are the new dates for all four seasons.

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SPRING

Spring starts as soon as Daylight Saving Time hits and we get an hour of sunlight back. I don’t care if it’s still cold, that extra sunlight = spring. But unfortunately, spring dies the moment it gets hot.

(And the definition of hot changes depending on the person and location. For older women, spring is very short because of the hot flashes, so it could end as early as mid-May.)

New Dates: March 8th – May 31st

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SUMMER

Here’s a simple test to tell if it’s summer. Did you sweat while walking to your car? If so, summer. In most of the country, that’s June. May tricks you a bit into thinking you live in a nice place… until June smacks you in the face.

But as soon as it hits September, summer dies – even if it’s still hot. As soon as the first leaf hits the ground, it’s fall. Those are the rules.

New Dates: June 1st – August 31st

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FALL

When you can purchase cider doughnuts, it’s fall. And it stops being fall the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday ushers in the grim reality of consumerism and Christmas, which is winter. This is the way.

New Dates: September 1st – Thanksgiving

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WINTER

Winter begins the moment you hear Christmas music on the radio and every day after that it’s cold. If your breath is visible and you’re reluctant to leave the house, winter is upon you.

New Dates: Black Friday – March 7th

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So we are only shifting these seasons a couple weeks in either direction, I get it. But the distinction is important. Leaves are falling, football is on TV, and kids are back in school. Who honestly thinks it’s still summer?!?