internet – Topical Fruit

The Most Clever Profanity-Free Insults

Anyone can unload a string of profanities when they’re annoyed. That takes zero skill and about three seconds of effort. The real flex is an insult that uses no swear words at all, yet somehow hurts more.

Someone recently asked people to share their favorite clean insults, and the internet did not disappoint.

Here are some of the best, along with why they hit so hard.

“Some people bring joy wherever they go. Others, whenever.”
This Oscar Wilde classic sounds polite, classy, and harmless until you realize it means everyone is happier the moment you leave.
“If you were any simpler, you would need to be watered twice a week.”
This one is devastating and botanical at the same time.
“Snake mittens.”
Short. Confusing. Brutal. You are useless, and now everyone is picturing it.
“Thanks for helping. It was like doing it by myself, but harder.”
Perfect for group projects, work meetings, or family gatherings.
“May your days be as pleasant as you are.”
This feels like a blessing, until it absolutely is not.
“I envy the people who never met you.”
No notes. Just pure, quiet damage.
“Well, you did your best, and that’s what’s so sad.”
This one should probably come with a warning label.
“Wisdom is chasing him, but that man can run.”
Poetic. Elegant. Ruthless.
“I envy the simplicity of your perspective.”
This sounds thoughtful, but it is absolutely not meant that way.
“We have something in common. Neither of us knows what you’re talking about.”
Ideal for meetings that should have been emails.
“Get well soon.”
Possibly the most confusing insult on the list, and that is what makes it powerful.
“You think you’re a wit, but you’re only halfway there.”
An insult that takes a second to process, then lands hard.
“You have the confidence of someone who’s never been fact-checked.”
Modern. Precise. Extremely online.
“I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”
This one ends conversations immediately.
“Somebody needs a diaper change.”
Uncomfortable, effective, and impossible to recover from.
“I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.”
Educational and insulting, all at once.
“You’re why the Power Rangers had to yell out their colors.”
This feels oddly specific, which somehow makes it worse.
“Your brain has too many tabs open.”
Relatable, but also deeply judgmental.
“Ignorant potato.”
So clean it still somehow got someone sent to Facebook jail.
“Unfrosted Mini Wheat.”
Dry. Bland. Disappointing. Perfect.

The lesson here is simple. Swearing is easy. Creativity takes work. And if you really want to insult someone while technically remaining polite, nothing beats a well-crafted, profanity-free takedown. Just be careful. Once you call someone “snake mittens,” there is no going back.

Meet the Guy Who Orders and Returns 110-Pound Anvils Just to Troll Amazon

If you’ve noticed that returns and exchanges on Amazon seem a little harder lately, you might have people like this guy to thank.

A TikTok user named John Stockwell is going viral for repeatedly ordering 110-pound cast iron anvils on Amazon—then returning them. Over and over. For six months. Each anvil costs more than $225, and thanks to his Amazon Prime membership, all shipping fees are waived. That means Amazon (or the third-party seller) is footing the bill for both the delivery and the return of an enormous, extremely heavy object. Every single time.

In one video, Stockwell proudly scrolls through his order history, casually showing ten separate anvil purchases over the course of just a couple weeks. He’s not subtle about it either. “I’m going to keep doing [this] until somebody does something about it,” he says, smirking.

If your brain is short-circuiting at the logic behind this stunt, you’re not alone. Even Stockwell’s followers seem divided.

Some have slammed him for wasting delivery workers’ time and effort, for scamming sellers, and for ultimately contributing to the rising costs that honest customers end up paying. Stockwell’s response? Laughter.

He’s been responding to backlash by doubling down on the absurdity. When critics called him out, he jokingly invited them to come argue “at his house”—and then gave Barack Obama’s address. (Yes, really.) He also told reporters the anvils are for “dropping on roadrunners,” and when asked what his goal is, he said he “hasn’t really thought about it.”

In case it wasn’t obvious, Stockwell has some stand-up comedy clips in his feed, so there’s a good chance he’s trolling for attention. But even if it’s a bit, there’s a real-world impact: someone is paying for those shipping costs, and stories like this don’t exactly make Amazon more generous with returns.

It’s unclear whether Amazon or the seller is currently absorbing the cost—or whether they’ll eventually put a stop to it. But if you’ve had a return flagged lately, this kind of ridiculous behavior could be part of the reason why.

For now, John Stockwell remains free to order and return anvils like it’s his full-time job. Whether that’s a commentary on modern retail or just good ol’ internet stupidity is still up for debate.

@stocklett
I hope you liked having those carbon tax credits
♬ original sound – johnbo stockwell

AOL Pulls the Plug on Dial-Up Internet, Ending a Noisy Era

Gen Z may love their wired headphones, thrifted cameras, and all things retro, but if they ever wanted to experience ‘90s-style Internet, that door just got a little harder to open.

AOL has officially announced it will shut down its dial-up Internet service on September 30, 2025. Yes, somehow, this was still an option in 2025.

For millions of Americans in the 1990s, “America Online” was the on-ramp to the World Wide Web. Before broadband and Wi-Fi, you got online through your telephone line — complete with that ear-piercing chorus of digital screeches, beeps, and static that meant you were connecting. And if someone in the house picked up the phone, well, you were instantly disconnected.

Back in the day, AOL flooded mailboxes with shiny CDs promising free trial memberships — often boasting “100 free hours” — before charging a monthly fee. The service peaked when logging on meant chat rooms, AIM messages, and the thrill of hearing “You’ve got mail.”

AOL shortened its name in 2006, but by then broadband and wireless Internet had already taken over. According to U.S. Census data, only about 160,000 Americans were still using dial-up in 2023, making up roughly 0.1% of all Internet connections in the country. It remains most common in rural or remote areas where high-speed options are limited, and satellite is the only alternative.

Dial-up’s one big selling point has always been price — sometimes under $10 a month — but that comes with a glacial speed limit of 56 kilobits per second. At that pace, a single song takes around 12 minutes to download, and a high-definition movie? About 170 hours. That’s over a week of your computer working harder than you do on Monday mornings.

AOL says the shutdown is part of its regular evaluation of products and services, and while this is the end for their dial-up, other companies like Microsoft and NetZero still offer similar connections for the few who want or need them.

So, farewell, America Online. Thanks for the nostalgia, the CDs we used as coasters, and for making us believe the Internet was a place where “getting mail” was exciting.

If you never got to hear that iconic dial-up handshake sound, just know: you really missed out… and also, you’re probably better off.