I hate to disparage a legend, and make no mistake, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper was and forever will be a legend.
He was one of the most indelible personalities in the history of professional wrestling, and arguably its single greatest villain.
Roddy was the most despicable “heel” in the business at a time when it was literally dangerous to be the bad guy. A lot of people still believed wrestling was real back then, and to those folks, Roddy’s words and actions weren’t just antisocial, they were criminal.
These fans wanted to see Roddy get hurt in the ring, but they also wanted to hurt him themselves. And when they managed to get close enough to him they tried. Sometimes they succeeded. It took real grit and guts to be the heavy in those days, and Roddy was the heaviest of them all.
To conclude this point, if a Mt. Rushmore of wrestling is ever carved, Piper’s leering mug better be up there. I’ll let the rest of you argue about the other three.
That being said, one of Roddy’s greatest pop culture achievements might not have been solely his. I’m talking about his famous line from the 1988 sci-fi classic “They Live”:
“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all outta bubblegum.”
Full credit for that line has always gone to Piper. Even writer-director John Carpenter concedes it, saying it came from a notebook Piper kept of ideas for his wrestling promos.
But it turns out he’s not the first person to use that line . . . or at least a variation of it . . . on film.
In 1973, amid a wave of “blaxploitation” films like “Superfly”, “Coffy”, and “The Mack”, there came a little movie called “Five on the Black Hand Side”; a good-natured comedy that celebrated black culture in a way that those violent, drug-and-pimp flicks did not.
The film spends a good amount of time in a barbershop, and in one scene, a character named Fun Loving, having just received a haircut, launches into a rap that includes this little adage:
“I ain’t givin’ up nothin’ but bubblegum and hard times, and I’m fresh outta bubblegum.”
Not exactly the same, but way too similar to ignore.
Roddy may have come up with the exact wording he used in “They Live”, but the fact that a similar iteration existed at least 15 earlier suggests that it didn’t travel directly from God’s lips to his ears. I have to conclude that Roddy heard the expression . . . or something like it . . . somewhere in his travels and borrowed it.
That’s not to say he gets no credit. After all, he’s the one who turned it into a pop culture phenomenon, which is a feat in and of itself.
The fact is, Roddy knew a great line when he heard it, whether it sprang from someone else’s imagination or his own.
The woke mob has stepped over the line several times now, from black Disney mermaids to canceling well-meaning comedians just for yanking their penises in front of unwilling women.
But this time they’ve gone too far.
Remember everyone’s favorite ’80s band Men At Work . . . oh they of such classics as “Who Can it Be Now” and “Down Under”? Well, they just announced a Summer 2026 tour with Toad the Wet Sprocket and Shonen Knife.
The announcement was accompanied by a promotional photo of the band, and there are TWO WOMEN in it!!! I am NOT kidding!
One of these “birthing people,” as I’m sure the band would like us to call them, is named Rachel Mazer. She plays sax, flute, and keyboards. The other is Cecilia Noel, who handles percussion and vocal harmonies.
And if that doesn’t bother you, you’re clearly not eating enough road kill organ meat.
People, this band is called MEN At Work. Not PERSONS At Work. Are we supposed to stand for this? If we don’t stop it now, where does it end? The Beastie People? Or even worse, Boyz 2 Whatever???
This. Must. End. Now. We must ignore this abomination once proudly known as Men At Work. Please skip this tour, so as to keep them from achieving their woke, inclusive, feminist, man-hating agenda.
Some classic movies celebrate their golden anniversaries this year. Here are 26 movies . . . both great and not-so-great . . . that turn 50 in ’26.
“Taxi Driver”
Robert De Niro is a lonely man in an ugly city that just doesn’t give a damn . . . much like Joaquin Phoenix in “Joker”, a film heavily inspired by “Taxi Driver”. In an ironic twist, “Joker” features De Niro as the man who pretty much pushes Joaquin’s character over the edge.
In addition to “Joker” and countless pop culture references to the classic line “You talkin’ to me?”, the film also inspired the real-life attempt on President Ronald Reagan’s life in 1981. Would be assassin John Hinckley Jr. was obsessed with Jodie Foster’s portrayal of a 12-year-old prostitute, and did it to impress her.
“The Bad News Bears”
The ultimate underdog story. There’s real heart underneath all the profanity and vulgarity, and anyone who’s ever played Little League will tell you that this movie really gets it right.
The 2005 remake, featuring Billy Bob Thornton taking the reigns from Walter Matthau as the team’s ne’er-do-well alcoholic coach, isn’t terrible . . . although it ultimately wimps out by having the kids celebrate nearly winning the championship with NON-ALCOHOLIC beer.
WARNING: This trailer contains racial slurs:
“All the President’s Men”
A film about American journalists with the guts to stand up to government corruption? File this one under “Fiction”.
“Family Plot”
Although it got overwhelmingly positive reviews at the time of its release, this is not considered among Alfred Hitchcock’s great films. It’s mostly notable for being his last.
“The Omen”
What “The Exorcist” did in bringing demonic possession into the public consciousness, “The Omen” did for the Antichrist. While considered the lesser of the two, this one is a lot more fun. The creative kills, which were amped up for 1978’s “Damien: The Omen 2”, were obvious precursors to Rube Goldberg-esque death sequences in the “Final Destination” films.
“The Outlaw Josey Wales”
One of Clint Eastwood’s best-loved Westerns, based on the 1973 novel “The Rebel Outlaw Josey Wales”, by half-Cherokee author Forrest Carter. But check this out:
While doing promotion for the movie, Forrest Carter was exposed as Asa Earl Carter, a notorious segregationist and KKK leader . . . who wrote the infamous line “Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever” for Alabama Governor George Wallace.
“Car Wash”
A landmark comedy with a killer theme song and some top-of-the-line black comedians and musicians, including Richard Pryor, The Pointer Sisters, Garrett Morris, Bill Duke, Franklyn Ajaye, Antonio Fargas, and . . . George Carlin???
The script was written by Joel Schumacher, who would go on to direct “St. Elmo’s Fire”, “The Lost Boys”, “The Client”, “A Time to Kill”, “Batman Forever”, and, regrettably, “Batman & Robin”.
“Carrie”
One of the greatest horror movies of all time, this one put director Brian DePalma on the map, and netted stars Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie Oscar nominations.
It also features John Travolta saying “Git ‘er done” decades before Larry the Cable Guy based his entire act on the line.
“Rocky”
What’s left to say about this one, other than the fact that it could have been a much different movie. Sylvester Stallone wrote it, and was determined to star in it. He even rejected a six-figure deal that would have seen someone else playing the lead role. As would happen with Rocky in the film, Stallone’s dogged persistence paid off.
“Freaky Friday”
The O.G., starring Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris in the Lindsay Lohan / Jamie Lee Curtis roles. It was actually based on a novel of the same name by Mary Rodgers, published in 1972.
Honorable, and Dishonorable, Mentions:
“The Man Who Fell to Earth”: A British sci-fi drama starring David Bowie.
“Grizzly”: A “Jaws” rip-off rushed into theaters in less than a year, about an 18-foot killer grizzly bear.
“Mother, Jugs & Speed”: Guess which one Raquel Welch played?
“The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane”: A effective thriller starring a precocious Jodie Foster and a super-creepy Martin Sheen. (Yeah, Jodie Foster was all over the place in ’76.)
“Food of the Gods”: If “Man fights giant chicken” is all you need to hear to prompt you to seek this one out, you’re my kinda people.
“Murder by Death”: A hilarious whodunit that suffers from a very dated performance by Peter Sellers as a Charlie Chan-style Asian detective.
“Squirm”: Killer worms, you say? Sign me up!
“Bugsy Malone”: An all-kid gangster musical comedy starring Scott Baio and . . . are you freakin’ kidding me??? . . . Jodie Foster again.
“Marathon Man”: A thriller starring Dustin Hoffman as a long-distance runner who gets caught up in a plot by Nazi war criminals to retrieve stolen diamonds.
“The Song Remains the Same”: The legendary Led Zeppelin concert film.
“Buffalo Rider”: A bizarre little flick that would, decades later, inspire the hilarious YouTube parody series, “Guy on a Buffalo“.
“Assault on Precinct 13”: A tense, pre-“Halloween” thriller from John Carpenter.
“Network”: A TV news satire that still hits.
“A Star is Born”: Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson in the third of what are now FOUR versions of this story.
“Silver Streak”: The first of four Richard Pryor / Gene Wilder collabs.
“King Kong”: Not great but not terrible (although I concede that this opinion is debatable), this remake features Jessica Lange in her debut film role.
I don’t love Tom Cruise. And it’s not the Scientology. Or maybe it is and I just don’t know it. He’s weird. Let’s just put it down to that.
But there’s one movie of his that I’ve seen probably a hundred times or more; if not start-to-finish, then in bits and pieces as I’ve happened upon it while channel surfing and been powerless to pass it by: “The Firm”.
Released in 1993, “The Firm” stars Cruise as Mitch McDeere, a Harvard Law graduate recruited by a small firm in Memphis. What Mitch soon discovers is that the firm secretly represents the Morolto crime family . . . a.k.a. the mafia, and there’s no way out. At least not alive.
Mitch ends up stuck between the firm, the mob, and the feds, who want him to snitch, which would get him disbarred, and put him on the mafia’s not-so-loved list.
His solution? Instead of revealing client secrets, he gives the government evidence of massive overbilling at the firm . . . enough to indict every partner on federal charges; destroying the firm and keeping him from getting whacked. Or so he hopes.
“The Firm” is a tense, well-written thriller with great characters . . . including Wilford Brimley ignoring his diabeetus and playing against type as the evil, badass head of security for the firm. (“What do you think I am here, a fuckin’ night watchman?!”)
But here’s where The King comes in . . .
Mitch doesn’t come up with the overbilling idea on his own. He gets it from a client. A black client.
But at the end of the movie, when an FBI agent asks him how he came up with it, he says, “It was on the bar exam. They made me study like hell for it.”
In other words, he steals the intellectual property of a black man and passes it off as his own. Not only that, but he does it in Memphis, Tennessee, the home of the man who did it best: Elvis Aaron Presley.
And he never even offered so much as a “Thank you very much.”
The phrase “Horror Sequel” can be a bad word. A really bad word. No, worse than that; a slur. The kind of horrific, dehumanizing slur you only hear from the mouth of a Quentin Tarantino character or a popular country singer.
But sometimes it’s a song. A transcendent lilt emanating from the golden throat of the most elegant songbird, directly into your undeserving earholes. Here are 10 of those cases:
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” (1986)
The only other film in the franchise directed by the original mad genius Tobe Hooper, and it shows. This movie gets several things right that few other “Chainsaw” flicks do, including Leatherface himself.
While so many sequels make him out to be a malicious, hulking, serial-killing monster, Leatherface is actually a frightened, confused child, who really only kills because he’s told to; or because he’s frightened by a sudden intrusion into his (slaughter)house.
“Chainsaw 2” takes Leatherface’s arrested development to the next level, by introducing a sexy DJ to oil up his blade. Add to that the career-making performance of horror hero Bill Mosely as Chop Top, and a hero played by Dennis FREAKIN’ Hopper, and you’ve got GOLD, baby.
“Troll 2” (1990)
I really believe the world would be a better place if everyone watched schlocky Italian exploitation movies from the late ’60s through the mid-’90s. I have no evidence to back that up, and no theories as to why it could be true. I just believe it.
Which is why “Troll 2” should be required viewing in every high school in America. This is a sequel in name only. It’s not remotely related to “Troll” (1986), which starred Sonny Bono and featured a character named Harry Potter and his son Harry Potter Jr.
Bad acting, bad special effects, and a ridiculous plot make “Troll 2” an absolute gem. One of the stars even made a documentary about it called “Best Worst Movie“ . . . and that title is pretty accurate.
“Halloween 3: Season of the Witch” (1983)
After “Halloween 2”, producers John Carpenter and Debra Hill were approached to produce a third installment. They agreed on the condition that they could retire Michael Myers, and thus, “Halloween 3” was born.
An evil toymaker produces Halloween masks that cause the wearers’ heads to rot like months-old pumpkins as snakes and all manner of insects escape from their upper orifices. But only when they watch the “big giveaway” on Halloween night, which is promoted incessantly with one of the most annoying ad campaigns ever. Yes, even more annoying than the Limu Emu. and Doug.
Unlike every “Halloween” movie that followed, “Halloween 3” is original, it’s creepy, and it stars the great Tom Atkins, who you may remember from “Night of the Creeps”, “Escape from New York”, “The Fog”, and “Creepshow”.
What’s the point of this horrible plot to kill millions of children on their favorite night of the year? To return Halloween to its bloody, Celtic origins. As our villain explains, “We don’t decide these things, the planets do.” As motivations go, that’s pretty damn cool.
Alas, the movie tanked, and everybody cried that Michael Myers wasn’t in it, so instead of an unique story every Halloween, we got 40+ years of bland, repetitive sequels. Thanks a lot, America.
“Jaws 2” (1978)
There are very few movies in the history of movies that can hold a candle to the original “Jaws”. And, full disclosure, “Jaws 2” doesn’t either. But it’s a fun ride and a damn good monster movie, not to mention that only other “Jaws” movie that’s worth your time.
Yeah, it’s completely implausible that another giant, killer shark would show up at the same beach where the first one went on a killing spree three years earlier. As one expert tells Chief Brody, “Sharks don’t take things personally.” (A line that became laughable in retrospect, after “Jaws 4” came out less than a decade later.)
But who cares? It’s a blast. It even presages the late ’70s / early ’80s slasher boom, focusing as it does on a group of terrorized teenagers stranded on a makeshift raft fashioned from their wrecked sailboats. The only difference is, the monster is killed by Brody once again, and not a by final girl whose abstinence from marijuana and premarital sex made her morally superior to her peers.
Oh, and did I mention that the shark sinks a flippin’ helicopter???
“Evil Dead 2” (1987) and “Army of Darkness” (1992)
One of the most brilliant and subversive things about the original “Evil Dead” trilogy is that each installment represents an almost entirely different film genre . . . and fans have followed the saga of Bruce Campell’s incompetent demon fighter Ash just as avidly through each one.
“The Evil Dead”, released in 1981, is balls-out, unrelenting horror that just barely hints at the comedic turn the next two movies would take. “Evil Dead 2” threw in screwball comedy, but kept things bloody. It ended up as one of the keystone films in the “splatstick” trend of the ’80s that also included “Re-Animator”, “Return of the Living Dead”, and “The Toxic Avenger”.
“Army of Darkness” kept things R-rated by throwing in some F-bombs and a flash of boob, but other than that, it’s a swashbuckling medieval comedy-adventure with very little blood and a lotta yuks. Unlike its predecessors, this was an actual studio film, and they even got Danny Elfman to record a song for it.
“Evil Dead” also unique in that, as Mr. Campbell often points out, it’s possibly the only horror franchise where you root for the HERO, not the villain. Hail to the king, baby.
“Psycho 2” (1983)
A sequel to one of Alfred Hitchcock’s most celebrated films? Twenty-three years later? Without Hitchcock? This shouldn’t have worked, and yet somehow it delivered in a big way.
Anthony Perkins returning as Norman Bates is a huge reason why. Norman has finally been released from the nuthouse, and he’s trying to turn his life around. But suddenly, “Mother” starts sticking her nose in his business again.
Also not willing to let go is Lila Crane, played once again by Vera Miles, who’s determined to see Norman back in custody.
This one’s got a fantastic twist ending that’s worthy ol’ of Hitch himself.
“Dawn of the Dead” (1978)
Look up 10 different lists of the best zombie movies. Chances are, “Dawn of the Dead” will be on all of them . . . and #1 on most of them.
George A. Romero invented the modern movie zombie with 1968’s “Night of the Living Dead”, and lost absolutely no steam with this sequel a decade later. Everybody calls it a critique of American capitalism, and it is. But it’s okay if you just enjoy it as mindless, splatterific fun.
This is also the film that put FX master Tom Savini on the map as the go-to guy for gore well into the ’80s (because fuck CGI).
Tragic Epilogue: The Monroeville Mall outside Pittsburgh, where the movie was filmed, is still there. But not for long. Walmart bought it, and they’re demolishing it to build a “retail and commercial destination.” So if you wanna visit this piece of film history, which also houses the Living Dead Museum and bronze bust of Romero, make your plans ASAP.
“Exorcist 3: Legion” (1990)
Author William Peter Blatty and director William Friedkin had nothing to do with 1977’s “Exorcist 2: The Heretic”, and it was a shitshow. But Blatty himself directed “Exorcist 3” from a screenplay he wrote, based on his own novel. And it kinda slaps.
No Linda Blair or Ellen Burstyn this time around, but Jason Miller returns as Father Karras. If you’re wondering how that’s possible, you’ll just have to give it a watch.
Lieutenant Kinderman is also back, only this time played by George C. Scott, taking over for the late Lee J. Cobb. This time he’s trying to solve a series of murders that seem like they’re being committed by residents of an old folks home, and he meets an old friend along the way. Even a tacked-on exorcism that the studio forced Blatty to film doesn’t take too much away from the story.
You can disagree with me on the merits of this film, but one thing that can’t be denied: It has one of the best jump scares ever filmed.
“28 Years Later” (2025)
“28 Days Later” is a masterpiece. “28 Weeks Later” is okay. But “28 Years Later” is a return to something special. And it’s just the first part of a new trilogy.
There’s a message in here about British isolationism and societal regression, but what came to the forefront for me was the story of a son’s dedication to his mother, and a crazy guy, who turns out to be not so crazy, who helps them accept the inevitable.
Oh, and zombie dick. Massive, swinging zombie dick.
“Bride of Frankenstein” (1935)
Largely considered the first horror sequel, “Bride” is also one of the best. And if you ask me, it’s better than the original.
It’s a little scary, a little campy, a lot of fun, and yes, a little gay, thanks to Ernest Thesiger’s “coded” portrayal of Dr. Pretorius.
This, not the original, is also where you’ll find the classic scene of the Monster befriending the blind hermit . . . a scene that’s probably more famous in parody form in Mel Brooks’ “Young Frankenstein“.
Interestingly enough, the Bride herself, who’s not only the title character but also one of the most indelible movie monsters 90 years later, only appears for a few minutes. Just long enough to reject her intended mate, leading to the film’s explosive conclusion.
The movies have given us some ridiculous monsters.
Who knows what these filmmakers were thinking. Maybe they dreamed bigger than their budget should have let them. Or maybe the mushrooms hit a little too hard. Whatever the case, here are 10 of the most ridiculous movie monsters in history.
Killer Bunny Rabbits: “Night of the Lepus” (1972)
Three years before “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” did it as a joke, this movie made rabbits into killing machines . . . and asked us to take it seriously. But did I mention they’re GIANT rabbits, made massive by hormone experiments intended to make them stop breeding?
Did I also mention that DeForest Kelley . . . Dr. McCoy from “Star Trek” . . . and Janet Leigh from “Psycho” are in it?
Vampire Turkey Man: “Blood Freak” (1972)
When Something Weird Video rescued “Blood Freak” from obscurity years ago, they promoted it as “The World’s Only Turkey-Monster Anti-Drug Pro-Jesus Gore Film.” And unless another one’s come along since, this statement is completely accurate.
Herschell is a Vietnam Veteran who becomes a turkey from the neck up thanks to a combination of bad weed and tainted poultry. He’s also a vampire, who must feed on the blood of other addicts. I mean, you try taking a hit off a joint with a turkey beak!
This is a terrible, terrible movie, and if that’s your bag, it’s a must-see.
Bad Movie Bonus: Co-director Brad F. Ginter appears intermittently as a narrator, warning us of the dangers of drugs and chemically altered food . . . while smoking a cigarette that at one point sends him into a coughing fit. I guess the budget didn’t allow for second takes.
The Were-Cicada: “The Beast Within” (1982)
1981 was a landmark year for werewolves, thanks to the release of both “The Howling” and “An American Werewolf in London”. But 1982 belonged to the Were-Cicada. And I am not kidding.
17-year-old Michael MacCleary hasn’t been feeling so hot. Turns out he was conceived when his mother was raped by a strange creature in the woods off a rural Mississippi backroad. The assailant was a man who used Native American magic to turn himself into a cicada-like creature, then impregnated a woman so that his offspring would emerge 17 years later, as cicadas do, and exact revenge against his enemies.
“The Beast Within” is a darn good movie with one exception: The monster. Thanks to budget and technological limitations, it looks NOTHING like a cicada. Or any other insect for that matter. It actually looks kind of like E.T., if he pumped himself with steroids but didn’t lift.
In 1986, David Cronenberg would insectify the crap out of Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly”, so maybe they should have just waited a few years for the technology to catch up.
The Demon Bed: “Death Bed: The Bed that Eats” (1977)
This movie is so ridiculous, it’s kind of genius. Yes, it’s a bed that eats people, but it’s so much more. First of all, the bed doesn’t have a mouth, or teeth. People who lay on it just sink into it. You can even see its stomach acid as it dissolves the people and things it devours.
This flick is so cheaply made I think the director’s mother paid the cast and crew in grilled cheese sandwiches. But it’s a lot of fun, and it’s got some really interesting lore involving a demon crying tears of blood and a young artist watching everything from his prison behind a painting, which the bed long ago banished him to.
This one’s about as weird as they come, but I promise you’ll remember it.
The Space Herpe: “The Ice Pirates” (1984)
A criminally forgotten sci-fi comedy swashbuckler starring the late Robert Urich, Anjelica Houston, and Ron Perlman, “Ice Pirates” is a funny, exciting, and sure, sometimes politically incorrect romp. It was the ’80s, people.
In a universe where water is scarce and controlled by the evil Templars, Urich and his band of misfits cruise around the galaxy stealing giant blocks of ice from the Templars’ ships to make a living.
But one of their raids yields more than just frozen H20. After falling out of a crate they’ve pilfered, the fast-moving slug-like SPACE HERPE hatches from a pod and runs rampant through the ship. It’s eventually caught, but not before biting a crew member and ruining what looked like it was going to be a delicious turkey dinner.
Annoying Giant Teenagers: “Village of the Giants” (1965)
A precocious little kid called Genius invents a substance he dubs “Goo”, which makes animals grow to incredible size. Some annoying teenagers, including Beau Bridges in an early role, get their hands on it, ingest it, and become SUPER-annoying, 30-foot-tall teenagers who take over the whole town.
Ultimately, Genius . . . played by Ron Howard, I’ll have you know . . . develops an antidote. But delivering it to these post-pubescent monsters requires a distraction, which comes in the form of a seductive go-go dance by a normal-sized Toni Basil. Yes, THAT Toni Basil, 16 years before her “Hey Mickey” fame.
Perhaps you’ve seen the film’s most infamous image, of a guy hanging off a gigantic Amazon chick’s cleavage. They even used it on the poster.
Robert the Car Tire: “Rubber” (2010)
Nothing to see here, just a rubber tire that suddenly comes to life, stands up and starts rollin’ down the highway. Oh, it also has telekinetic powers, and can make people . . . and small animals . . . explode.
This one is intentionally absurd, and to paraphrase Quint from “Jaws”, it’s either very smart or very dumb. Online opinions vary widely. But “Rubber” lets you know what you’re getting into from the jump, thanks to a character breaking the fourth wall to tell us that film, just like life, is full of things that happen for no reason. And it just keeps getting weirder.
A Volkswagen Dressed Up as a Giant Spider: “The Giant Spider Invasion” (1975)
Sometimes a simple premise and a little gusto is all you need, and that describes “The Giant Spider Invasion” perfectly. Spiders from outer space crash land in a small town inside meteors, grow to enormous size, and start doing what movie monsters do.
This one occupies a sacred spot in the so-bad-it’s-good bin, largely thanks to the awful, low-budget spiders. One of the bigger ones is actually a Volkswagen Beetle in a spider costume!
Bonus: The sheriff is played by Alan Hale Jr., a.k.a. The Skipper on “Gilligan’s Island” . . . and early in the film, he calls another character “Little Buddy”.
The Vagina Dentata: “Teeth” (2007)
Every feminist’s dream, every man’s nightmare: The Vagina Dentata. If you’ve heard this term before, there’s a good chance it’s because of this movie. If you’ve never heard it, you can probably guess what it is just from the name, plus the title of the movie.
Dawn O’Keefe is a teenage spokesperson for a Christian abstinence group, and somehow, she keeps finding herself in the company of sexual predators who want to take advantage of her. She discovers her “gift” by accident, but by the end of the flick, she’s using it very deliberately . . . only on guys who deserve it, of course.
Hermaphrodite Gene Simmons: “Never Too Young to Die” (1986)
This film poses, but ultimately does not answer, an important question: Can one be a drag queen, or king for that matter, when one possesses both male and female sex organs?
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Wait, Gene Simmons isn’t a monster,” then you’ve never faced him in a trademark infringement case, or seen him chew the scenery in “Never Too Young to Die”. Here, Gene plays Velvet Von Ragnar, who’s the psychopathic leader of a gang he must have stolen from a “Mad Max” casting pool, a god-awful nightclub singer with unfettered access to Cher’s wardrobe, and an evil supervillain plotting to poison the water supply of a major U.S. city and hold it for ransom.
When he’s not busy trying to coax superstar gymnast-turned-spy Lance Stargrove, played by John Stamos’s hair, into bed, that is.
Has Gene, or his acting, ever been this horrific? Are we lucky that this film failed to launch John Stamos to action movie stardom? And did the Chinese-American actor who played Stamos’s nerdy friend who builds cool electronic gadgets ever apologize to the Asian community?
The answers to these questions are NOT in “Never Too Young to Die”. But Prince’s one-time muse Vanity is, and that alone is worth checking out.
Disclaimer: From my earliest childhood memories until the moment I sat down to type this, I have never been romantically interested in another man. So while one never knows what tomorrow will bring, at this moment I can confidently say I am, and have always been, a straight white male.
I do consider myself an ally, though, so before we dive into bizarre examples of LGBTQ representation in pre-woke horror, I want to assure all members of the community that my goal is NOT to offend you. And thus, if I should fail, it is with my deepest apologies. And now, on with the show:
Positive portrayals of queer characters in horror movies were a lot harder to come by in the pre-woke era, and often had to be hidden, or “coded” in order to go relatively unnoticed by a public that was deemed not ready for them.
Some famous examples include “Bride of Frankenstein” and “Dracula’s Daughter” in the 1930s, and “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge” in the ’80s. (The “subtext” in that one couldn’t have been more obvious, but my clueless teenage ass missed it completely when I saw it in the theater.)
But every once in a while in those Before Times, queer characters weren’t hidden or hinted at. And the results varied widely. Here are some famous and infamous examples:
Tammy and the T-Rex (1994)
Theo Forsett plays Byron, best friend of Tammy, played by a young Denise Richards. Tammy’s going through some stuff, because her boyfriend Michael (Paul Walker) has been killed, and his brain stolen by a mad scientist and placed in the head of an animatronic dinosaur.
It happens.
Byron is out, loud and proud. And nobody seems to care. Even Michael, a high school jock, doesn’t flinch when they’re introduced at the beginning of the movie. And even after he becomes a rampaging (fake) dinosaur, Michael shows Theo kindness, sparing him while tearing apart several of his classmates.
Byron’s sexuality is only mocked by two dumb comic-relief cops, and their little jabs fall flat and feel out of place, because Theo is treated so respectfully by the film.
1994 may not be ancient history, but remember, this was three years before Ellen DeGeneres came out… and faced some serious career setbacks for doing so.
Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker (1981)
This one’s weird. Like, really weird. ’70s teen idol Jimmy McNichol plays Billy, a high school senior being raised by his clingy aunt (the legendary Susan Tyrrell), who very much wants to have sex with him. She’s also prone to committing murder.
Enter Bo Svenson, playing a homophobic cop who’s determined to pin the murders on Billy’s gay basketball coach, Tom Landers, played by Steve Eastin. Tom is portrayed as just a regular guy who happens to be gay, which was really progressive for 1981.
He’s also one of the most sympathetic and heroic characters in the film, and the ending leaves no question about whose side you should be on.
Interesting Note: Four years later, Landers would appear in “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge,” one of the most thinly disguised gay horror movies of all time.
Killer Condom (1996)
A condom with teeth that bites off male genitalia, presented by the guys who made “The Toxic Avenger”? If this piques your interest, be warned: this is not a typical Troma movie. In fact, they didn’t make it. It’s a German film that they picked up for distribution.
At its heart, it’s a gay love story between a cop and the male prostitute he meets in the seedy underbelly of New York City while investigating the castrating prophylactics. The film is peopled with LGBTQ characters we actually care about and root for… unlike the real villain, who’s unveiled in the final act.
Interesting Fact: H.R. Giger – the Swiss artist who created the xenomorph in “Alien” – served as a creative consultant on this one.
Sleepaway Camp (1983)
The granddaddy of gender-dysphoric killer flicks. Or is it the grandmommy? All these years later, I’m still confused. By now, anybody interested enough to have read this far should know the plot, and its infamous twist ending.
A series of murders at a summer camp are revealed to be the work of Angela, a girl who was secretly a boy all along! At a very young age, Angela’s aunt decided to raise him as a girl, following the deaths of his sister and their father in a boating accident.
Oh, and just to pile on, Angela’s father was gay, and as a young child she/he witnessed Pops in bed with another guy; the implication being that this screwed her/him up even more.
I seriously doubt the filmmakers were trying to make a social or political statement; it’s all just shock value. But still, it sends the message that if your gender doesn’t match your genitals, people die.
Interesting Fact: Kenan Thompson of “Saturday Night Live” fame is producing a remake with the original writer-director. It’ll be interesting to see if they keep the same ending. My guess is no, but mainly because audiences will be expecting it.
Fatal Games (1984)
Students training at an elite athletics academy are being picked off by somebody who chucks a mean javelin.
The killer turns out to be a nurse named Diane, played by Sally Kirkland, who you may remember from “The Sting,”“Best of the Best,”“JFK” and a bunch of other stuff.
But the real reveal is that Diane used to be a man. She had gender reassignment surgery to become a woman so she could be a champion at javelining… which, I discovered while writing this, is an actual word! But Diane was disqualified from competition after tests showed she had too many male hormones.
In the film’s most absurd moment, once the final girl discovers Diane’s secret, she starts speaking in a male voice.
She tells her intended victim, “Don’t you understand? I have sacrificed everything. I have risked everything just to win. I even became a woman just to win!”
Yes, it’s transphobic as shit. But as with “Sleepaway Camp,” I really don’t think any statement was being made here other than, “Yo, dig this crazy twist!”
Still, I’m shocked this flick hasn’t been picked up by the anti-trans movement. I could see Riley Gaines screening it before her (hate) speeches and saying, “See? They’ve been doing it for decades!”
James Robertson-Reavis is an openly gay man from Texas, who performs in drag as Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand. But he’s in the news after he just spent a lot of money – thousands? – on an ultra-realistic, life-size doll of “Superman” stud Henry Cavill. This thing is so legit it has body hair.
Why buy a Henry Cavill doll that’s so realistic? 👀
Although we’re all thinking it, James is very adamant that this thing is not a sex doll. He says he commissioned Henry from a British manufacturer for display use only.
In one video, James explains that Henry can’t be a sex doll since he’s not entirely silicone. He’s made of fiberglass from the waist down, like a mannequin, because he was thousands of dollars cheaper that way.
(Unfortunately it looks like James has since made his profile private, so send him a request if you want to see more.)
James also drops Henry’s drawers to show us what he’s workin’ with… and it ain’t much. Henry has more than a Ken doll, but not much more; basically just a little plastic nub that’s kind of shaped like a flaccid twig and berries. Nothing you can get down to much action with.
James also says Henry does not have any below-the-belt entry points. And besides that, James has been happily married for 13 years.
What would Henry have to say?
James isn’t worried he’s crossing any lines with the real Mr. Cavill. He says, “If we aren’t using AI to deceive or con, I don’t see the harm in personal use.”
Okay, so it’s not a sex doll. I guess my question is, how long before it becomes a sex doll? I mean, that thing is seriously handsome. And we all get lonely from time to time.
If you really want it, there are ways. Just sayin’.
Pro wrestling legend The Macho Man Randy Savage died at the far-too-young age of 58, after suffering a heart attack behind the wheel and crashing into a tree.
That was in 2011, 14 years ago.
But about six months before he died, Randy adopted a cat. A three-legged cat. Or, as his brother, fellow wrestler Lanny Poffo called it, a one-armed cat.
Randy named it Junkyard Cat, in honor of his late friend and fellow grappler The Junkyard Dog.
And that cat, we have just learned, is still kicking.
Randy’s estate recently posted a picture of Junkyard Cat, still alive in 2025.
Kenan Thompson of “Saturday Night Live” fame is working on a Randy Savage biopic. There’s no word if Junkyard Cat will make a cameo.
Junkyard Dog died in 1998. “Leapin'” Lanny Poffo passed in 2023.
With the arrival of the new Netflix doc “aka Charlie Sheen,” there’s a whole new generation of young people just finding out he went batshit crazy in the early 2010s.
Sure, his “winning” and “tiger blood” era only lasted a few years – which he somehow survived – but for better or worse, it was a huge thread in the fabric of American culture.
So it should surprise no one that Charlie firmly believes in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster… and once went looking for it. (Her?)
He booked a ticket to Scotland and bought some whiskey
In 2013, Charlie booked a trip to Scotland. He had one of his people call a local hotel owner and tell him to gather up an old-style wooden rowboat, a traditional kerosene lamp, a large hook, a thick chain, and a leg of lamb.
If some of that sounds familiar, it’s because Charlie was allegedly inspired by the scene in “Jaws” where two guys try to catch the shark off a pier by stabbing a “holiday roast” with a big hook and tossing it into the drink.
When Charlie was assured he’d have everything he needed, he flew to Scotland on a private jet, then went out onto the Loch with two friends, his leg of lamb… and of course, a bottle of whiskey.
Fishing for Nessie at 3:00 A.M.
According to the hotel owner, “He went out on the rowing boat on Friday afternoon with his friends and again on Friday night until about 3:00 A.M.”
Not surprisingly, they didn’t hook any large, aquatic cryptids. But in an appearance on “The Tonight Show” in 2014, he told Jay Leno that on his last day in Scotland, “Something happened – there was an event at the top of the water that was crazy.”
Then again, Charlie appeared a little confused even during that interview, because he also told Jay, “That’s where Loch Ness lives. In Lake Nessie.”
He had company…
An interesting side note: One of the guys who went out on the boat with Charlie was Todd Zeile, a retired baseball player who spent 16 years in the majors. (He bounced around to 12 different MLB teams in that span, but never ended up “winning” a World Series.)
The other was Brian Peck, who spent 16 months in prison from 2004 to 2005 for the sexual assault of a minor… who was later revealed to be Drake Bell of “Drake and Josh” fame. Despite his conviction, Peck continued to get work, including as a stand-in for Charlie on the series “Anger Management” in 2012.
Charlie even shared a pic of them in a tweet about the trip, joking they were “sanctioned archeologists” with a grant from MIT.
once again MIT grant sanctioned archeologists Pekk & Sheen, rig battle gear for tonight's sortie on the Loch Ness. c http://t.co/OLVS5sqhTW
So yeah, there was a good stretch there where Charlie Sheen (aka Carlos Estevez) was doing very reasonable things with very reasonable people. #winning
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