Riccardo Danno – Page 2

God Help Me, I (Kinda) Liked “The Naked Gun”

I was born in 1969. That means I was a ’70s kid and an ’80s teen. As such, the acronym ZAZ is very sacred to me.

David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker are the team of writer-directors who, from 1977 to 1994, produced some of the most uproarious comedies of all time, including “The Kentucky Fried Movie,” “Airplane,” “Top Secret,” and, of course, the “Naked Gun” trilogy.

When I heard there was going to be a “Naked Gun” remake/reboot/sequel, I didn’t freak out. Remakes can actually be good.

They can also be brilliant, like John Carpenter’s “The Thing” or Luca Guadagnino’s “Suspira.”

So my first reaction to these kinds of announcements is generally somewhere between “Who cares?” and “Let’s see what happens.”

The casting of Liam Neeson in the lead put this one firmly in the latter category for me.

Remember, before Abrahams and the Zucker boys cast Leslie Nielsen in “Airplane,” he was a serious actor, playing serious characters in serious films. Their brilliance was to take a serious actor and give him a serious character, but drop it into the most unserious scenarios they could write.

While he was only a supporting character in the “Airplane” movies, giving him the lead role in the original “Naked Gun” made him a comedy god.

Neeson, with his “very particular set of skills,” may have been the best possible bulb to screw into that socket. So when they announced him as the lead in this one, I was intrigued and, against my better judgment, a little excited.

And then came the marketing campaign, and that excitement left my body faster than all the lesbian celebrities left America after the 2024 election.

Observing the absolutely unavoidable deluge of trailers, TV commercials, and social media ads over the past few months, I think I laughed once… maybe twice.

This movie looked terrible. I quickly relegated it to the “who cares” bin and went on with my life.

But then, over the past week, something bizarre and totally unexpected happened. The reviews started coming in, and they were good. Hell, some were great.

“The Naked Gun” is rated 90% fresh on RottenTomatoes.com, with a 79% audience rating. It’s got a slightly lower score of 75 at MetaCritic, which still notes that the reviews have been “generally positive.”

More importantly, some friends whose opinions I actually trusted saw it Friday night and liked it.

So now, of course, I had to see it. And I did. On Saturday afternoon, with four other people in the theater. Three of us were there by ourselves.

And we laughed. Kind of a lot.

I’m not gonna say it’s great, and I’m not gonna say it stands up to the originals. But I was entertained.

Liam Neeson was as good in the part of the new Frank Drebin (the son of Nielsen’s character from the originals) as I thought he’d be.

And Pamela Anderson, who already proved she can act in 2024’s “The Last Showgirl,” shows off some legit comedy chops. Her “performance” in the jazz club is one of the highlights of the movie.

Their chemistry is great, which is probably why they’re kickin’ it in real life, too.

The one complaint I have is the ending, which takes place at a WWFC mixed martial arts event.

There are no zany sight gags involving the fighters, no jokes about the sport or its audience; you know, the way they parodied Major League Baseball in the original, or the Oscars in Part 3. It was just an MMA event going on in the background.

Even when the entire audience starts brawling, there are no heads being punched off, no obvious dummies being tossed around… not even a random tiger attack. Mostly it’s just extras throwing punches in the background.

Zucker, Abrahams, and Zucker would have never let that happen. And although they weren’t involved in this movie and didn’t seem to support it, the new guys should never had made this mistake.

Still, I did feel enough of the ZAZ spirit in this new “Naked Gun” to believe that if they should decide to see this movie, they might, against their better judgment, actually like it.

Just like I did.

10 of the Best Not-So-Super Superheroes

DC just unleashed the latest “Superman” on the world, and Marvel’s up next, with Friday’s release of “Fantastic Four: First Steps.”

But not all superheroes are created equal. In fact, some of them kind of suck. But not necessarily in a bad way. Here are 10 of the best not-so-super superheroes:

1. “The Toxic Avenger” (1984)

The years-delayed remake starring Peter Dinklage and Kevin Bacon is finally hitting theaters at the end of the summer, but let’s not forget the movie that still fuels the demented engine of Troma Films, and almost-kinda-sorta made New Jersey cool.

Melvin the Mop Boy is pranked by the patrons at the health club where he works, causing him to fall into a vat of toxic waste, which transforms him into “a hideously deformed creature of superhuman size and strength.”

This hideously deformed creature is driven to not only fight crime, but to literally tear it limb-from-limb in such graphic and gory fashion that even he starts to wonder if he’s not such a nice guy. Don’t worry, his doubt doesn’t last. Nor does the evil in Toxie’s beloved Tromaville.

2. “Super” (2010)

Before he became a Hollywood darling, “Superman” and “Guardians of the Galaxy” director James Gunn got his start at the aforementioned Troma Films. As such, his pre-Marvel and DC output was pretty weird, and often wonderful.

In “Super,” Rainn Wilson is brilliant as Frank Darbo, a depressed and possibly schizophrenic short order cook who decides to rescue his wife when she falls back into addiction, and back in with a gang of drug dealers led by a sleazy Kevin Bacon. (Yes, second mention of Kevin Bacon so far, but sadly, probably the last.)

To achieve his goals, Frank becomes a “superhero” called The Crimson Bolt, with the equally delusional Elliot Page as his female sidekick Boltie. But Frank is no superhero, nor does he become one in the end. He does more or less save the day, but ultimately, he’s just as pathetic as ever.

3. “Chronicle” (2012)

What if three high school kids suddenly got super powers? Would they become champions of the people and spend the rest of their lives fighting for truth, justice, and the American way. Hell no. They’d screw around until things went sideways and people started getting hurt.

That’s what happens in the brilliant “Chronicle,” which employs the found footage conceit better than most horror movies, and features a still-gestating Michael B. Jordan as one of the super teens.

4. “Batman” (1966)

It actually took people a while to realize that the ’60s TV Batman wasn’t bad, it was a brilliant, before-its-time superhero parody, and it might be even more relevant in this age of Marvel and DC overkill. Made during the original run of the TV series, the movie was just as good or better.

Adam West’s Batman was so decent and square, he was the cool one (a concept James Gunn co-opted for the new “Superman”). And the fact that he would just happen to carry “Shark Repellent Bat-Spray” in case an obviously rubber shark might latch onto his leg? Why not?

(And the “Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb” scene? Chef’s kiss. In my opinion one of the great comedy routines of all time.)

5. “Mystery Men” (1999)

This one should have been a hit. A stellar cast, including Ben Stiller, William H. Macy, Hank Azaria, Janeane Garofolo, and Geoffrey Rush . . . not to mention Paul “Pee Wee Herman” Reubens as the Spleen, whose weapon is flatulence so foul it debilitates anyone downwind of him.

In the end, our heroes overcome the evil Casanova Frankenstein, as well as the fact that they’re not very good superheroes, with a GROUP HUG. Or, as Macy’s The Shoveller puts it: “We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.”

This movie needs a sequel, stat.

6. “Brightburn” (2019)

Is this a superhero movie or a horror flick? Any attempt to answer that question would give too much away. It’s basically the Superman origin story, but with a twist: Alien baby’s space capsule crash lands in the Midwest, and baby is adopted by farmers.

But was he sent here to do good or evil? Any similarities to the new “Superman” movie are most likely not coincidental, since “Brightburn” was produced by James Gunn, and written by his brothers Brian and Mark.

7. “Kung Fury” (2015)

Even though it’s only 31 minutes long, this is one of the greatest superhero movies ever made. An homage to everything ’80s, from Miami-cool to buddy cop movies, martial arts flicks, VHS, and even the Nintendo Power Glove, and beyond.

“Kung Fury” is a cop who was supercharged by being struck by lightning AND bitten by a cobra at the same time. He travels through time to defeat no less than Adolf Hitler, with the aid of his partner Triceracop, his retro tech wiz ally Hackerman, some sexy female Viking warriors, and an actual T-rex.

(Bonus: You can watch the whole thing on YouTube. Oh, and did I mention the David Hasselhoff cameo?)

FYI, a sequel featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger as the president was made a few years ago, but remains criminally unreleased.

8. “Italian Spiderman” (2007)

A series of short films meant to parody not only superheroes, but Eurotrash cinema of the ’70s and early ’80s, Italian Spiderman isn’t even Italian. It was made by an Australian collective and starred “Franco Franchetti” (not his real name) in the title role.

He’s out of shape, he has a creepy pornstache, and he probably smokes too much . . . but he’s just as amazing as his American cousin, although for vastly different reasons.

9. “The Machine Girl” (2008)

If you asked me to name the 100 weirdest movies I’ve ever seen, it’s a strong bet that at least 75 of them would be Asian. And “Machine Girl” would probably make the list.

Ami Hyūga is an orphaned schoolgirl (Because Japan, obvi) whose arm is cut off by the yakuza. So she does what any orphaned schoolgirl would do: She slaps a machine gun on her stump and starts wasting bad guys who come at her with chainsaws, flying guillotines, and the dreaded drill bra. (Trailer)

10. “Batpussy”

To paraphrase cult movie god Bruce Campbell, this movie wasn’t released, it escaped. And we are all the worse for it. This porn flick was discovered in the storeroom of an adult movie theater in Memphis in the mid-1990s

Nobody knows who made it or when, but best guesses say late ’60s or early ’70s. There’s also no indication who the “actors” are, but boy, must we use that term loosely.

The “film” starts with a highly unappealing couple having highly unerotic sex, while insulting each other the entire time. Soon Batpussy arrives via hippity-hop… I’m not joking… and we have what’s got to be the most sack-deflating threesome ever committed to film.

This could easily be the worst porn flick ever made, the worst superhero movie ever made, and even the worst movie ever made. I’d also bet my mortgage that in the 30 years since it was uncovered, no one has ever masturbated to it. And anyone who has needs to be on some kind of watch list.

But if your mission is to seek out the worst that film has to offer, that mission can never be complete until you’ve watched Batpussy at least once.

(Here’s the safe-for-work four-plus-minute hippity hop scene. It includes a pee break and a little crimefightin’ on the side.)

Camping Nightmares: Five Crazy Sleeping Bag Deaths from Horror Movies

It’s camping season. At least I think it is. Actually, I have no idea. I’m more of a hotel guy. I’ve seen way too much death in the great outdoors. At least in the movies.

Plus, sleeping bags are death traps. Don’t believe me? Then I respectfully enter these five examples into evidence.

“Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood” (1988)

Jason Voorhees had already survived a vicious onslaught from Corey Feldman (something we, as a society, have yet to achieve) and returned from the dead to continue mowing through teenagers with an assortment of gardening tools.

But surprisingly, for a franchise rooted in summer camp lore, they waited an awfully long time to have Jason just wrap someone up in their sleeping bag and bash them to death against a tree. They wouldn’t wait that long again…

“Jason X” (2001)

Just three films later we got the obligatory “in space” installment in the “Friday the 13th” franchise. Reviled by many, I would argue it’s the best one since the original more than 20 years prior. All pretense is out the window as we dive intentionally into self-parody. And it’s fun.

Jason, cryogenically frozen for more than 400 years, awakens on a spaceship in the year 2455. (Don’t ask, just go with it.) Obviously, he’s still got murder on his mind, and despite all their gadgetry and scientific know-how, crew members begin dropping just as easily as their dimwitted camp counselor ancestors.

In the movie’s best scene, they try to confuse Jason by luring him onto a holodeck and setting it to “Crystal Lake, Nineteen-Hundred-Eighty.” Jason finds himself in a virtual reality simulation of his old stomping grounds, where two nubile young girls try to tempt him with alcohol, marijuana, and – GASP! – the dreaded premarital sex.

They pop their tops and hop into their sleeping bags, only to have Jason bash them to death against each other. And then a tree. Ain’t space grand?

“Rats: Night of Terror” (1984)

There is simply nothing like Italian Horror from the ’70s and ’80s… especially when the writer-director team of Bruno Mattei, Claudio Fragasso, and Rosella Drudi were involved.

This one’s pretty simple: A biker gang roaming the post-apocalyptic world think they’ve found an old ghost town to hunker down for the night. And then… rats. Followed by a night of terror.

One of the biker chicks makes the mistake of getting into a sleeping bag with a bad zipper, and she’s stuck in their while a rat burrows into her… well, I’ll let you use your imagination.

Minutes later, when her cohorts find her corpse, they watch in, yes, terror as her mouth opens and the rat emerges. A simple trick achieved by the actress wearing a rat “puppet” on her tongue.

FYI, Fragasso and Drudi, married until her death earlier this year, are responsible for one of the greatest “bad” movies of all time, 1990’s “Troll 2.”

“Night of the Demon” (1980)

This is a Bigfoot movie, but it’s no “Harry and the Hendersons.” This sasquatch impregnates a human woman, disembowels a guy and swings his intestines overhead like a lasso, and, in the film’s most outrageous scene, rips a man’s dick off while he’s peeing in the bushes.

He also happens upon a young man sleeping peacefully out in the great wide open. Does he show mercy? Hell no. He picks him up, sleeping bag and all, twirls him around several times and lets him fly. He ends up impaled on a tree branch, hanging upside down while the blood flows up his neck and all over his face.

“Prophecy” (1979)

Decades before “South Park” brought us ManBearPig, director John Frankenheimer served up this eco horror trashterpiece featuring a gigantic mutant bear. Twisted out of proportion by a New England paper mill’s toxic waste, this thing runs amok and starts killing.

As sleeping bag deaths go, this one isn’t the most graphic, but it’s shocking in its sheer brutality. As the bear-thing attacks his campsite, a young kid jumps up, still in his sleeping bag, and tries to hop away. But the bear-thing swats him so hard, he goes flying into a nearby boulder.

This poor boy hits that thing harder than Wyle E. Coyote ever smashed into a rock wall with a tunnel painted on it; such is the force of the impact that his sleeping bag explodes in a snowstorm of feathery down. Truly absurd, yet incredibly effective.

And so, in closing, you can keep your great outdoors; your bugs, your snakes, your sasquatches, and your immortal hockey-masked serial killers.

I’ll be at the hotel, where the only horror that awaits me is my bill after I drink a six-ounce bottle of water from the mini fridge.

Brad Pitt Owes His Career to a Stripper

Brad Pitt owes his career to two people, and their names aren’t Thelma and Louise. It’s actually Charlie Sheen and a stripper.

Brad dropped out of the University of Missouri two credits shy and drove his dented silver Datsun to Hollywood with clichéd dreams of stardom. He had $300 to his name.

He started doing odd jobs to survive, like dressing as a chicken for a fast food joint, and driving strippers to bachelor parties in a limo. And that’s where he got his big break.

He was about two months into the job and already fed up with it. He had given his notice and it was his last night on the job when one of the girls he was driving told him about an acting class that her . . . ahem . . . “friend” Charlie Sheen was attending.

Brad figured, “If it’s good enough for Charlie, it’s good enough for me.” So he signed up.

A woman he met in the class had lined up an audition with a talent agent, and she asked Brad to go with her and be her scene partner. So he went, and they signed HIM . . . but not her.

So Charlie Sheen’s sex addiction may not have helped HIS career . . . but it did wonders for Brad’s.

FYI, Brad did a little sex work during his college years . . . but he didn’t get paid for it.

He was part of a group called the Dancing Bares. In a 2007 interview he explained, “When a girl from one of our sister sororities turned 21, the Bares would put her in a chair and come out butt-naked with pillowcases on their heads and do a choreographed dance for her.”

Rick Springfield Once Killed a Guy in ‘Nam

The Jessie in “Jessie’s Girl” is frankly lucky to be alive. Because, as we all know, Rick Springfield wanted his girl. And Rick isn’t above smokin’ a mofo. By the time that song came out, Rick had already taken a life. Seriously.

Back in the late ’60s, Rick was a 17-year-old kid living in Australia when his band was chosen to go entertain the troops.

Now, if you watch a lot of war movies, you know that things could get pretty lawless over in ‘Nam, and the musicians got to buddy up with the soldiers… to the point they ended up helping out during a battle.

According to Rick, in a 2012 interview: “They said, here, you throw the mortars down. So I threw the mortars down the tube. And the next morning, the soldiers came running into our villa and said, ‘You got one!'”

“They said, here, you throw the mortars down. So I threw the mortars down the tube. And the next morning, the soldiers came running into our villa and said, ‘You got one!'”

Rick Springfield

Rick wasn’t exactly thrilled that he’d killed a guy. At the time of the 2012 interview, he still wasn’t over it. He said, “It was an enemy, it was wartime, they were sneaking up on us trying to get us. But I wasn’t in the army. I wasn’t meant to be there. It’s something that I still haven’t fully processed.”