sex – Topical Fruit

The Best and Worst Sounds to Make in Bed

Wait… is lying there silent and motionless not a turn-on? Hmm, might have to adjust my technique.

A survey by the dating (err, hook-up) site SaucyDates.com asked men and women to rank some of the most common noises people make during sex.

If you’re not sure what your signature sound should be in the bedroom, here’s a handy guide to what people actually like, and what makes them want to fake a headache.

How Popular Are These Sex Sounds?

1. Moaning

91% of men like it
77% of women like it

Verdict: The universal go-to. Moaning is the gold standard of bedroom sounds.

2. Talking Dirty

77% of men
74% of women

Verdict: Verbal flirting works. If you’ve got a sexy voice and/or a decent imagination, you’re in business.

3. Heavy Breathing

60% of men
46% of women

Verdict: Totally acceptable. Sounds of exertion = still hot… just maybe don’t sound like you’re running a marathon.

4. Screaming

51% of men
36% of women

Verdict: It’s polarizing. Some like it wild, others prefer their neighbors not call the cops.

5. Swearing

39% of men
31% of women

Verdict: High risk, high reward. When done right, it’s hot. When done wrong, it’s…awkward.

6. Squeaking

28% of men
15% of women

Verdict: Is this you, or the bed? Either way, it’s not topping anyone’s fantasy list.

7. Silence

8% of men
13% of women
Verdict: So, 1 in 12 men and 1 in 8 women actually do like the silent treatment. Maybe I don’t need to change my technique after all.

Bonus: The Worst Phrases to Say in Bed

They also polled people to find the worst lines to blurt out in the sack. Whether you’re getting it on with a man or a woman, #1 is the same for both. But then things get interesting.

Top Lines Men Don’t Want to Hear

1. The wrong name
2. “I need to poop.”
3. “What time is it?”
4. “That’s it?”
5. “Get it over with.”

Top Lines Women Don’t Want to Hear

1. The wrong name
2. “I can’t do it.”
3. “I’m going soft.”
4. “Did you do this with your ex?”
5. Any mention of the woman’s sister

IRS Agents Told to Start Watching Porn at Work

Here’s a new job title that’s sure to get some raised eyebrows: “Government Porn Watcher.”

Thanks to a recent tax law passed by Congress, IRS agents will start reviewing content on OnlyFans to determine if it qualifies as “pornographic activity” – because if it is, the taxman still gets his cut.

“No Tax on Tips,” But Still Tax on T*ts

The bizarre-sounding assignment comes courtesy of the “No Tax on Tips” law passed over the summer. The law is meant to make things easier on workers who earn tips – and probably weren’t reporting most of them anyway – but it includes one glaring exception: tips for pornographic activity are still taxable. So now, to figure out whether a creator’s tips are tax-free or not, agents are literally being asked to watch the content.

What Counts as “Porn”?

It’s a trickier question than you’d think, because there still isn’t an official definition for what counts as “porn” in this context. So agents might be forced to fall back on the classic line uttered by Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart in 1964: “I know it when I see it.” More of a shrug than a legal standard.

OnlyFans Isn’t Just Porn

Not everything on OnlyFans is adult content. There are celebrities, fitness influencers, chefs, and others using the platform without getting naked. But with almost five million creators in the mix, and no clear breakdown of how many are based in the U.S. or posting R-rated material, the IRS has their work cut out for them.

Perfect Job for Perverts?

This strange new responsibility has been making the rounds online, with people joking that the government has officially found a way to turn being a perv into a pension-eligible career.

So if you were thinking your job was weird today, just know there’s someone out there filling out a government form after binge-watching NSFW content for tax purposes.

A Guy Bought a Realistic Henry Cavill Doll, But Swears It’s Not for Sex

James Robertson-Reavis is an openly gay man from Texas, who performs in drag as Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand. But he’s in the news after he just spent a lot of money – thousands? – on an ultra-realistic, life-size doll of “Superman” stud Henry Cavill. This thing is so legit it has body hair.

Why buy a Henry Cavill doll that’s so realistic? 👀

Although we’re all thinking it, James is very adamant that this thing is not a sex doll. He says he commissioned Henry from a British manufacturer for display use only.

In one video, James explains that Henry can’t be a sex doll since he’s not entirely silicone. He’s made of fiberglass from the waist down, like a mannequin, because he was thousands of dollars cheaper that way.

(Unfortunately it looks like James has since made his profile private, so send him a request if you want to see more.)

James also drops Henry’s drawers to show us what he’s workin’ with… and it ain’t much. Henry has more than a Ken doll, but not much more; basically just a little plastic nub that’s kind of shaped like a flaccid twig and berries. Nothing you can get down to much action with.

James also says Henry does not have any below-the-belt entry points. And besides that, James has been happily married for 13 years.

What would Henry have to say?

James isn’t worried he’s crossing any lines with the real Mr. Cavill. He says, “If we aren’t using AI to deceive or con, I don’t see the harm in personal use.”

Okay, so it’s not a sex doll. I guess my question is, how long before it becomes a sex doll? I mean, that thing is seriously handsome. And we all get lonely from time to time.

If you really want it, there are ways. Just sayin’.

Do These 15 Things Count as Cheating?

We all know what cheating is in a relationship… or do we?

Would it be cheating if you watched the next episode of “The Great British Baking Show” without your partner… but with someone else… who you previously dated, and are now just friends with… after having dinner together… but before having sex? (Kidding!)

Thousands of people took an online poll that asked if different things count as cheating or not.

1. Does kissing someone on the cheek count as cheating?

Only 15% say yes. 77% think kissing on the lips is definitely cheating. 3% even think it’s cheating when two actors have to kiss.

2. Scrolling through Tinder when you’re bored, but not messaging anyone?

51% say yes, that’s cheating. If you do message someone, 88% say it’s cheating.

3. Hugging someone very closely and slowly?

21% think that’s cheating.

4. Sending someone else revealing photos?

Yes, 93% say it’s cheating.

5. Giving someone a massage?

25% say it’s cheating no matter the context.

6. Flirting with that cute barista at Starbucks?

35% think it’s cheating.

7. Hooking up with someone else when you’re on a “break”?

38% say it’s cheating. Another 30% think it’s a gray area, so it depends.

8. Sharing a bed, but you don’t do anything?

23% say it’s cheating.

9. Holding hands with someone else?

32% say it’s cheating. Another 39% say it depends.

10. Telling someone, “I’d totally hook up with you if I was single”?

45% say it counts as cheating.

11. Hanging out with an ex without telling your significant other?

Only 44% think that’s definitely cheating.

12. Watching porn?

Only 12% say it’s cheating.

13. Sliding into someone else’s DMs?

63% say it’s cheating.

14. Having sex with someone else?

2% say that’s not cheating.

15. Your partner has been in a coma for months and might not wake up. You sleep with someone else. Is that cheating?

48% say yes.

Your “Body Count” Doesn’t Matter, as Long as You’ve Slowed Down

Ah yes, nothing spices up a budding romance like the inevitable conversation about your “body count.” Right between “What’s your love language?” and “Do you believe in ghosts?” comes: So… how many people have you slept with? A true bonding moment.

But here’s some good news for anyone whose romantic history reads like a casting call: According to a new study, it’s not your total number that matters. It’s your momentum. In other words, people are apparently less freaked out by a high number of past partners if your, uh, extracurricular activities have slowed down over time.

So go ahead and be honest: “Yeah, I had a wild phase… for about 15 years. But I’m totally chill now.”

The study surveyed thousands of people in 11 countries, and surprisingly, the results were pretty consistent… even regardless of gender. Basically, your romantic history is like a stock chart… people are looking for signs the market’s cooling off, not about to crash through the ceiling.

And let’s be real: most people don’t actually care what you were doing 10 years ago, as long as you’re not still doing it now. A high number from your past can come off as adventurous, experienced, worldly even. But if you’re still collecting stamps for your loyalty card, that’s where the red flags start waving.